Let me disappoint you
In case you were wondering how I got this show
I am not very good but we blagged someone that we know
Make you excuses and leave before this gets any worse
This venue will be empty before I finish the first verse
If I were you I’d make my way to the the bar
Anf I’d get some drinks drinks in before the headliner
Here we all are now let me disappoint you
our lack of practice migh really quite annoy you
Here we all are now let me disappoint you
our weak musicianship might really quite appaul you
Here we all are now let me disappoint you
Let me disappoint you
Oh, let me disappoint you
Let me disappoint you
Oh, Let me disappoint you
Frog Morris 2006
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ANGRY BADGER
There was a badger who lived in a cage. He was so full
of HATE AND RAGE
His cage was in a wildlife park. Until he escape under the COVER OF
DARK
He ranpaged across worcestershire. And he brought a terrible REIGN
OF FEAR
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
Badger mauled a man on his drive. He was luck TO SURVIVE
From this Badger we need protection. We’re gonna get us a TENUS
INJECTIONS
Mr Badger they’r hot on your tail. They’re gonna put you
into BADGER JAIL
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
This badger rampage can not be stopped. We’re
gonna have to call IN THE COPS
Police were sent to take Badger down. But Badger drove them right
OUT OF TOWN
Badger fought the force of British Law. But they were no match for
a BADGER’S CLAW
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER
But what poor badger didn’t know Was he was about
to meet his deadliest foe
He was a man named Micheal Weaver He was an expert on badger, stoat
and beaver
Badger was angry but never more annoyed.... than the day he was
HUMANELY DISTOYED
HE’S AN ANGRY BADGER x6
Frog Morris & Theo Morris 2006
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LOVE & FISHES
We’d sit and watch TV with you there beside me
And during Richard and Judy I knew we were meant to be
watching Richard Madely you said that you loved me
‘until one Wednesday when you came round for tea
I’d got fish from sainsburys but you didn’t want any
You said it wasn’t like it used to be and you wanted time to
be free
and my sexual inadequacies were not your reason for leaving me
And you swore it had nothing to do with that guy named Alex who has
a job in marketing. yeah right.
LEMON FLAVOUR SARDINES
THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY
SINCE THE DAY YOU LEFT ME
THEY WERE LEFT IN MY FRIDGE FOR TEA
NOW THERE WERE TOO MANY TO EAT ON MY OWN YOU SEE
AS I WAS SO LONELY I ASKED ONE TO LOVE ME
OH MY _ _ FISHY _ _ BABIES _ _
OH MY _ _ FISHY _ _ BABIES _ _
You left me so lonely without a special somebody
with no one to sleep with or take for a curry
you mean so much to me but all I get is your answer machine
and I don’t know what to do with your pants you left in the
laundry
and I don’t know what to do with my left-over love gravy
and I don’t know what to do except jump estuary
until that Thursday I remember ever so clearly
I looked in the fridge and those sardines promised to love me
And I realized those sardines would love me even if you won’t.
You can have 29 year old Alex from fucking marketing.
LEMON FLAVOUR SARDINES
THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY
SINCE THE DAY YOU LEFT ME
THEY WERE LEFT IN MY FRIDGE FOR TEA
NOW THERE WERE TOO MANY TO EAT ON MY OWN YOU SEE
AS I WAS SO LONELY I ASKED ONE TO LOVE ME
OH MY _ _ FISHY _ _ BABIES _ _
OH MY _ _ FISHY _ _ BABIES _ _
Now my fish share my flat with me and we live ever so
happily
Fish love is the best for me even if it’s more smelly
Watching Matthew Kelley my fish keep me company
and fish they don’t argue when I flirt at a Bar-b-que
And we do those things that you never ever ever let me do
When I come home drunk and I started touching you
Oh my sardines I love you so very very much, you’re the best
girlfriends I’v ever had. Please say you’ll come upstairs
with me. Fish love is the best love.
LEMON FLAVOUR SARDINES
THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY
SINCE THE DAY YOU LEFT ME
THEY WERE LEFT IN MY FRIDGE FOR TEA
NOW THERE WERE TOO MANY TO EAT ON MY OWN YOU SEE
AS I WAS SO LONELY I ASKED ONE TO LOVE ME
OH MY _ _ FISHY _ _ BABIES _ _
OH MY _ _ FISHY _ _ BABIES _ _
Frog Morris 2006
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Let’s Take These Pigs To Town
Oh, let’s take these pigs to town
Come on, come on let’s go!
Let’s take these pigs to Tesco
They can go wild
Running around the aisles
You can see their snout
Eating all the sprouts
Oh, let’s take these pigs to town
Come on, come on let’s go!
Let’s take the pigs to the disco
There’s nothin’ hotter
Than when they move their trotters
There impressing all the girls
With their tail that curls
Oh, let’s take these pigs to town
Oh baby you should see ‘em
Running round the museum
Rolling muck on the floors
Knocking paintin’s off the walls
It sure ain’t no surprise
These piggies won the turner prize
Let’s take these pigs to town
Oh baby we gotta stop
‘Cos I wanna nice pork chop
Piggies had a good life
But they’re ready for the knife
Oh baby they gotta stop
We’re going to the butchers shop
Frog Morris 2006
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Where do all the Ice Cream Men Go?
Where do all the ice cream men go?
When the rain does fall and the wind does blow?
Oh where do all the ice cream men go
In the cold and the ice and the snow?
They can’t just disappear
Though the coldest times of the year
Do they go in their vans
To some far warmer land?
Do they hibernate in nest?
Or just put on their vests?
Where do all the ice cream men go?
I do not know.
I do not know.
Frog Morris 2006
Pork Scratchings
I knew our love was writen in the stars
When I walked into the public bar
I just wanted to ask you
If you’d like beer or bar food
When I saw you stood at the bars
My heart was yours ‘til last orders
And I’d share my pork scratchings with you
It’s not something I’d usually do
And I’d share my pork scratchings with you
It’s not something I’d usually do
As you chewed on my pork scrarchings
It was my heart that you were catching
Made from the testicles, lips of shin
They made our love begin
I’d even order you a pickled egg
If I could get between your legs
And I’d share my pork scratchings with you
It’s not something I’d usually do
And I’d share my pork scratchings with you
It’s not something I’d usually do
We go together like steak and ale
And my steaks gonna make you wale
If you give your heart to me
I’d get durex from the lavatory
If there ‘re none and you fancy a shag
We could use the pork scratching bag
And I’d share my pork scratchings with you
It’s not something I’d usually do And I’d share
my pork scratchings with you
It’s not something I’d usually do
Frog Morris & Theo Morris 2006
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Knights of St. Edmundsbury
We are the Knights of St Edmundsbury, St. Edmundsbury,
St. Edmundsbury
We’ll protect our town and drink ale and be merry
Because we are the Knights of St Edmundsbury
We fought in the battle of eleven seventy three
And defeated rebels at Fornham St. Genevive
We swore our allegiance to old St. Edmond
Tho’ his head got chopped off he’ll protect us from wrong
Now things have changed and those time have past
And we when it come to war we just can’t be arsed
We just can’t afford to crusades for grails
So we’ll stay home and drink our Greene King Ales
Because, we are the Knights of St Edmundsbury, St.
Edmundsbury, St. Edmundsbury
We’ll protect our town and drink ale and be merry
Tho’ for five hundred years we’ve done
bugger all
But we must rise again, and stop a blilght us all
I hear you people crying “what may this evil be called?”
And I say a planning application for a new shopping mall
Though thought it may bring new prosperity and full employment
To our elderly it will bring with it terrible torment
With multiplex cinemas and fashionable chain shops
Comes a terrible plague of rats in hooded tops
Fore, we are the Knights of St Edmundsbury, St. Edmundsbury,
St. Edmundsbury
We’ll protect our town and drink ale and be merry
We love our Abbot and we’ll protect our old town
And if anyone threatens us we’ll strike them down
Though we laid down our swords and we laid down our knives
And sometimes it seems like we’ve laid down our spines
Against this planning application we’re planning something far
worse
We’ll reek divine vengance with nasty old curse
In fifteen-fourty-nine Henry the Eighth dared to threaten us
And we cursed the bugger with a nasty does of syphilus
Fore, we are the Knights of St Edmundsbury, St. Edmundsbury,
St. Edmundsbury
We’ll protect our town and drink ale and be merry
Because we are the Knights of St Edmundsbury
If those developers do not withdraw their plans
On St Edmunds Day the Knights must make a stand
On the ruin of St Edmund we’ll stop the ruin of our town
Fore with our prayer a divine vengeance shall be brought down
To madness and bad fortune these men must be condemned
Their child will have no father when their suffering ends
And when their juices dry up we shall show no pity
And pray we that on their souls God may have mercy
Fore, we are the Knights of St Edmundsbury, St. Edmundsbury,
St. Edmundsbury
We’ll protect our town and drink ale and be merry
Frog Morris 2005
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Merry Old Ghost
This song is about my father who died last year. After
he died I was living with my mother in the house where he’s
lived for so many year and sometime we’d hear a noise the other
side of the door or a creek on the stair and we would think it was
him and then we’d realise that it couldn’t be. Sometime
it would worry me that I was maybe being haunted by his ghost …
and then I’d remember what a silly old bugger my father was
and I’d realise he wouldn’t make a terribly scary ghost.
This is a song about him, you may wish to raise you glasses to his
memory at the end.
I awoke with a fright
From a bump in the night
When a voice in the dark
Said “I’v just been for a pint”
Let’s drink a toast to a merry old ghost
Let’s drink a toast to a merry old ghost
Let’s drink a toast to a merry old ghost
Let’s drink a toast to a merry old ghost
Let’s drink a toast to a merry old ghost
Frog Morris 2006
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Death of a Hero
Man, I once saw this guy play guitar
But I found his number on an advert for a second hand car
He said his rock and roll days were pretty much over
And he’d been thinking about buying a one of those new Rovers
He no longer runs young, free and wild
These day he need to be at home with his wife and child
He no longer hates himself, he no longer wants to die
These days he just wants another slice of that nice shepherds pie.
He seems to be over all that pious hating
And he’s taken up abstract painting
He forgot to tell me the ‘be what you whatever you wanna be’
I just talked about what he’s been watching on ITV
He said “boy, your trousers are coming apart at the seams”
And they’re fading, a bit like my rock and roll dreams
And he’d been thinking about buying a one of those new Rovers
I think his Rock n Roll days are pretty much over
And he’d been thinking about buying a one of those new Rovers
I said I’d give him fifty quid for his old Vauxhall Nova
I know it’s a clapped out old piece of cack
But I recon I could still fit a drum kit in the back
Frog Morris 2006
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Tomorrow's World
I dreamed of travelling among the stars
Eating food pills and driving flying cars
I wanted robot slaves for my biodome
But all I got was some new features on my mobile phone
I'm bored of google, online poker and blogging
I’m so lonely, I’v considered taking up dogging
Instead I’ll join some chat rooms and pretend to be gay
Then I’ll sell my old lawnmower for fifty quid on eBay
I fell in love over an S M S text
And I didn’t catch a disease from cyber sex
I don’t know if my love’s a schoolgirl or an old man masturbating
But I can find out from her eBay rating
Ebay is going to force us all to behave
I guess they’re right, we are their robot slaves.
Frog Morris 2006
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Transcendence of the Chicken
Nuggets
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Mechanically reclaimed from an unspecified source
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
It could be squirrel or it could be horse
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
The bit of meat usually left well alone
They are boiled up and sucked from the bone
Soya, water and processed meat
They are packaged up to make a tasty treat
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
It could be squirrel or it could be horse
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Reconstituted meat in a barbeque sauce
Frog Morris 2006
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DEMOCRACY OF MEDIOCRACY
Here! Here!
Here! Here!
Gordon Brown
The right honourable gentleman represents us all
Heir to an empire of unsatisfactory compromise
At least our nation can feel intellectually superior to the Americans
The last years of history have made us pathetically weary of our own
fallibility
Here! Here!
Here! Here!
David Cameron
The right honourable gentleman leads the opposition by trying not
to be too disagreeable.
Maybe he can make the inevitable repetition of mistakes only slightly
less ghastly for the middle class?
And we will repeat our mistakes by voting for that one!
Who will be the most mediocre? You decide!
What is the real alternative?
To over throw freedom and democracy and give up our right we have
fought so hard to earn?
Ha! They have us over a barrel.
We must futiley resign ourselves to unsatisfactory compromise
Maybe our choice is not so bad after all, but nor is it very good.
Who will be the most mediocre? You decide!
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
It is a democracy of mediocracy
Does anyone fancy a pint?
Frog Morris 2006
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I was the pig semen delivery
man
Many artist have to take on a second job to make ends
meet, particularly as a performance artist because though my form
of art may be terribly fashionable, it does not generate nice object
to sell.
This next song is about one of the jobs I took on to finance my career
as an artist.
As you rolled in drunk about 2am
Those boy go to work down in the pig pen
What I’m to tell must not be considered obscene
They do what they do so you eat pork terrine
To make little piggies first you need seed
Which must be harvested from the tastiest breed
The seeds of boar, the seeds of swine
The seed of the sausage on which you dine
How they got those seed the farmers never let slip
They just said “boy, you need a strong grip”
His wife checks the equipment in the biology lab
And carefully packs it into plastic bags
I know it is hard for you to understand
But I was the pig semen delivery man
I drove that truck right across this land
I was the pig semen delivery man
I drove that truck far and wide
Down winding lanes, thorugh countryside
Out past meadow, out past field
The hum of cooling units in my automobile
Down old dirt tracks through rain and snow
The pig semen must get through when others would rather not go
I deliver my special package here and there
For insemination with the aid of a catheter
Into a sow this must be bravely inserted
Those boy do their job, it ain’t nothing perverted
I know it is hard for you to understand
But I was the pig semen delivery man
I drove that truck right across this land
I was the pig semen delivery man
I sing this song less you should forget
All the hard work to make a little piglet
Next time you buy a ham from the shopping parade
Please don’t forget how those piggies were made.
I know it is hard for you to understand
But I was the pig semen delivery man
I drove that truck right across this land
I was the pig semen delivery man
Frog Morris 2006
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Judith Butler
Oh Judith Butler,
Is it Ok to read Huster?
I think it might offend her
Because it reinforces ideas those old ideas of gender
Because you’re I female I should not presume
And just define you by your womb
I should not consider you a lady
You should not be simply a barer of babies
You’re job is not just to make the tea
Be whatever the hell you want to be
I feel excluded by the other feminists
Judith made a point that the other’s missed
Here is Judith’s master stroke
We should not be judged as a lady or even just a bloke
Let’s mess around with all our gender roles
We can question how we are controlled
I could go to work in a fronk
But Judith
I can’t give birth through my cock
But Judith, I can’t give birth through my cock
No matter how hard I try
Can you not see the water in my eyes?
Oh Judith, I can’t give birth through my cock
No I can’t give birth through my cock.
Frog Morris 2006
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Postcard to the Campaign
for Real Ale
We’re having a lovely time, I wish you were here
The weather is great, but it is a shame about the beer
Imported Danish larger that tastes like fart
Do they not understand brewing is the finest art?
The Swedes call this stuff ‘People Beer’
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear
Some people have a sophisticated palate
And I’d be the last one to spread race hate
But one race of people seem to be to blame
Every can says Carlsberg so I blame the Danes!
Every other country has a brewer who can do their job
But every time I buy from Carlsberg I feel like I’v been robbed
In every restaurant and supermarket across the planet
They sell this piss water and it is time to ban it
I don’t know how the Danes call this stuff beer
They must be punished, they must lean fear.
We’re having a lovely time, I wish you were here
The weather is great, but it is a shame about the beer.
Frog Morris 2006
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It Makes Me Just Want To
Go Out And Drink Cider
Cor, what a day, what a blinder!
Make me just want to go out and drink cider
Low cut blouses and those little summer skirts
But wear some sunglasses so you don’t look like a pervert
Let’s get some beer and find a patch of grass
Let’s lie in the sunshine and get rat arsed
Man, everything will be just fine
We can sit by the river and drink rosé wine
We can go paddling up to our knees
But be careful you don’t catch Weils disease
Man, there is nothing better to do
Let get some sausages and have a bar-be-que
Let’s spend all day drinking in the park
And we can go home when it gets dark
Frog Morris 2006
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Rose Tyler
Rose Tyler is dead
Rose Tyler is dead
The Doctor tried, he really tried
But Rose Tyler, Rose Tyler died
Now Rose Tyler is dead
Rose Tyler is dead
The Doctor was left short of speech
But Rose Tyler’s life was out of reach
I don’t know how I came to hold her so dear
I couldn’t help but shed a tear
The Doctor tried, he really tried
But Rose Tyler, Rose Tyler died
Now Rose Tyler is dead
Rose Tyler is dead
Frog Morris 2006
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It’s another art school
band
It’s another art school band
You’re not going to understand
The melodies will all be drowned
Under spoken words and bleepy sounds
It’s kind of amusing but it’s out of tune
Politely take your drinks to the other room
Synthersizers and second hand kit
It’s all interesting but the timings off a bit
Lyrics written less from the heart
And more from the theory of philosophy and art
Controversial lyrics that don’t do any harm
They haven’t practiced but they have charm
The rhythm section don’t really fit
But the front man has occasional moments of wit
It wouldn’t matter they got bits wrong
If they didn’t drone on so bloody long
Antique costumes and annoying light
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
Play it again until you get it right
It’s another art school band
You’re not going to understand
It’s another art school band
The front mans so pissed he can hardly stand
It’s another art school band
You’d better leave before it gets out of hand
It’s another art school band
You’re not going to understand
It’s another art school band
You’re not going to understand
Frog Morris 2006
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Breakfast Booze
You may think that is has charm
To drink before the sun is over the yard arm
But it ain’t.
You my not decline
A few cans of beer before lunchtime
But you’ll never get any thing done
It might be your morning wish
To drink export larger with your Full English
But you’ll never make it though the day
You may think that it is just fine
To breakfast on a bottle of red wine
But you’ll soon feel unwell
You my think that is ok
To buy a couple of litre of cider to start your day
But people will avoid you in the street
You may think that it doesn’t mean a thing
To wash down your porridge with a glass of gin
But you’ll soon be vomiting up blood
You make like to awake
To pour whiskey up on your cornflakes
But you’ll soon be dead
Please hear what I have to say
And leave the booze ‘til later in your day
Frog Morris 2006
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Performance Art
Are you ready for some performance art?
Would you like to see some body parts?
Are you ready for some performance art?
Would you like to see some body parts?
Will they be black or will they be white?
Will they be covered in blood, chocolate of shite?
Will I be straight of will I be gay?
Will I impersonate a lady today?
Will I say the oppression of women is wrong?
Will you get a laugh at my dangly dong?
Will it be hairy or will be shaved?
Will it change the way we all behave?
Will I talk about gender and race?
Will I masturbate all over the place?
Are you ready for some performance art?
Would you like to see some body parts?
Are you ready for some performance art?
Would you like to see some body parts?
Are you ready for some performance art?
Would you like to see some body parts?
Well I am not taking my clothes off so you can forget it.
Frog Morris 2006
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THERE AIN’T NO MONEY
IN POETRY
[I think the title of this song might be borrowed
from an country record I heard on the radio once - if anyone know
who it was writen by I will credit them somehow]
One day I’ll be the greatest poet who ever lived
Until then can you lend me twenty quid
I’ve been writing lines and swilling booze
And now I’ve got no money left to loose
Another night and another show
Free wine is the only reason anyone goes
Because there ain’t no money in poetry,
but sometime you can drink for free
No there ain’t no money in poetry,
but sometime you can drink for free
You can get a long way by standing at the bar
I met this guy who said that I could go far
He was an artist who painted dogs for a dollar
He said it paid the bills but made his soul feels hollow
He say that he doesn’t know what to think
I said I’d tell him if he got me a drink
Because there ain’t no money in poetry,
but sometime you can drink for free
No there ain’t no money in poetry,
but sometime you can drink for free
You want me to bring down the establishment
But that’s kind of job doesn’t pay the rent
All I have is a notebook and an empty pint
And it gets me these exclusive invites
I can’t promise wisdom but it just might rhyme
Just promise me you’ll lay on free wine
Because there ain’t no money in poetry,
but sometime you can drink for free
No there ain’t no money in poetry,
but sometime you can drink for free
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